Citing the incredible student experience, high graduation rate, and great dining facilities, Jennifer and Tim Cohan, parents to Portland High School Senior Jimmy Cohan, have decided to register for classes at Seattle University. “Honestly, we think this school would be a really good fit for us,” said the couple “we were particularly impressed with the caliber of the athletic facilities and the Dance Marathon,” adding that it was really exciting to see how much the school had to offer. Sources also confirmed that the couple was enjoying their tour around campus with their tour guide Randy, remarking “Boy, things sure have changed since we went to school. It really is too bad that Jimmy is missing out on all of this.” At publication time, it was reported that the couple was picking out Seattle University sweatshirts and wondering if they should bring one home for their dipshit son.
— Mark Wilson