Seattle, WA has become the epicenter of an event that has been described as both a calamity and an unbelievable bargain as the body of Our Lord and Savior has been found in Value Village next to a pair of Mary Jane shoes.
At an emotional state of total tranquility, the not-so-proclaimed-but-definitely-fits-the-aesthetic hipster, Janine Frewark describes one of her second favorite finds.” All of the dresses are normally stiff and a bit dank with old pit-stains and masses of skin flakes, so when I touched The Body, it wasn’t unnatural. The dress itself was not particularly flattering, but the thorny crown would look perfect on my hair. I decided to buy the Lord our Savior because His ensmeb [short for ensemble] would work for me. Plus it’s only $2.50, so I can throw it away without any regrets.”
The discovery/miracle/bargain definitely caused chaos across the world as the entire foundation of lives and purposes immediately collapsed in the hands of a lavender hair-colored twenty-something. Most importantly, the situation has impacted the entertainment industry with the sudden retirement of Kanye West, one of the most notable God-opposers, as he, “no longer has anyone to compare himself to, nor compete with.”
Atheists and agnostics alike are also affected as their built up hatred and confusion has left them in an abyss of complete nothingness where they have to actually face their problems and not just declare anger or indifference.
Nonetheless, local manager Steve has a glimmer of hope for the future as his store has recently received an influx of customers and profits as more come to realize their unbelievable low prices. “There’s rumor that we may be the next religious figurehead,” he said, “especially considering our dislike for capitalism and generosity to the needy. Simply put, we as Value Village are better than Christ.”