Hell Itself Manifests at Jesuit University

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As Spring rolls into Seattle, residents look forward to blooming flowers, an increase in red-breasted robins, ice cream filled afternoons, and long evenings spent wandering down the waterfront. What’s not expected is a visit from Satan himself. However, it seems that the King of Hell has moved into the west side of Seattle University’s Administration building, claiming it feels, “just like home.”

When asked to comment, students of the Jesuit institution were not at all surprised. “It just makes sense,” claims film major, Hunter Grimes, a sophomore at SU, “The atmosphere is just right—the soaring afternoon temperatures, the torture of being trapped in a lecture for hours on end.” One economics and accounting double major, who declined giving his name, says that Satan’s quite a swell guy, exchanging helpful notes, memorization tricks, or successful future careers for souls or first-born children. “I’m already under crippling debt that will dictate every aspect of my life to come, so what’s a soul or a child? It doesn’t seem like a huge sacrifice for a promising business career that looks great on paper.”

Professors don’t seem to be particularly bothered by the host of demons occupying their classrooms either. “True, the suffocating heat and dark, swirling humanoid entities can be distracting at times, but I’m determined to stick to the syllabus,” English professor, Amelia Heimler, tells Hard Copy. “Yes,” agrees her colleague, Michael Tiu, a member of the History department, “And participation rates have soared. Satan and his minions love to facilitate in-depth discussions that really engage the students.”

The President of the University, Stephen V. Sundborg, S.J., has yet to address this issue beyond a vaguely worded email sent to students, faculty, and parents that provides a bare minimum of information, a lengthy quote from the New Testament, and news that he will be travelling to Vatican City to visit Pope Francis for a second time. Whether Hell’s manifestation on campus will be discussed between the two holy Jesuit men is unknown at this point. For now, classes will continue as usual, save for the occasional high-pitched wailing of demons that can be heard across campus.

-Allison Dunn

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