Seattle University In Ruins After Open House


Seattle, WA– Open house has left Seattle University in ruins. The once nationally ranked learning institute now stands in shambles, after a record number of prospective students overran the school. “It all happened so fast. I was eating lunch and then some girl asked me if I liked the school. After that it was all a blur. Parents were taking pictures, kids were SnapChatting, they were everywhere. I hid under a table, it’s the only reason I’m still here” said sophomore Stacey Johnson. “I’ve never seen so many horny high school seniors in my life,” said Ben Howard. “If they weren’t asking me about the ‘babes’ they were awkwardly staring at any female that walked by. It was awful.”

Food is scarce, and the student body has formed raiding parties that venture into Capitol Hill, to gather resources. “They ate everything. It was awful. They just ate everything!” said Lucy Diamonda, in tears as she prepared a rat kabob. The school has been deemed a National Disaster Zone, and the National Guard is waiting close by, to help once the hoard has cleared out. “We definitely want to go in and help,” said General Buzz Kendrick. “We just don’t want to risk any desperate parents asking us what our SAT scores were. Its just not a risk we can take.” There is also speculation that the admissions office has been completely destroyed, but the area is still so overcrowded with perspective students that a visual confirmation has yet to be obtained.

-Geran Landen


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