WASHINGTON D.C — Sources confirmed that the Treasury Department will begin a $600 billion bailout program of the Seattle University Bookstore. Citing the recent disclosure of a 10-year operating loss of “several billion annually,” Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew praised Congress for approving the package. “This [bailout] will help the bookstore restructure itself so that it can be self-sustainable.” Congressional opposition rallied behind fiscal conservative and former Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-WI) who worried that the store would never be self-sustainable, citing the bookstores over-priced books and the high costs associated with the failed food sales venture. At press time, President Stephen V. Sundborg S.J remained optimistic that the bailout money would help the Bookstore emerge stronger and would in turn help improve the student experience and in no way reflected the tuition increase proposed for the next year.
— Mark Wilson