Hard Copy: Tips on Updating Your Tinder Profile

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Here at Hard Copy, we sincerely care about your relationships. So, we’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’ts that can help you snag that perfect someone for tonight or settle for what is left. We are not reliable for any successes or failures and all comments will be intercepted and interpreted as “Thank you’s.”

1. Come Off Strong

No one likes someone who paces the relationship or is subtle. If they don’t like your bold side, heck, they may not like your tame side either. Guaranteed Success.

2. Blatantly Say That You’re Not A Racist

Otherwise, everyone assumes that you are. Guaranteed Success.

3. Put Your Recent Test Score And/Or Sport Ball Average

Impress the one you want to consensually swap spit with by showing them your many talents. Partial Guaranteed Success.

4. Put Only Pictures Of Your Friends.

Make them wonder. Give off that mysterious vibe. Make them question who they are about to swipe right on. The blurrier the picture the better. Guaranteed Success.

5. Have a Picture of a Man-Butt.

There needs to be more bare ass. Supreme Guarantee of Success.

6. Only Talk About Your Soundcloud Mixtape

Let that be the only thing that you two talk about. People love creatives, especially when they dominate the conversation with their excellent musical abilities. Guaranteed Sales.

7. Mention Your Ex At The End Of Every Sentence

You gotta let them know that you had an ex at one point and things ended terribly. The plus sides are that 1) they will want to comfort you during this hard time (Guaranteed) and 2) your ex may come back (Success).

8. Put Every Fucking Activity You’ve Ever Done In Your Profile

Went bouldering once? Boom. Climber. Saw a picture of Thailand. Boom. You love to travel. Accidentally rhymed? Boom. Poet. Had running shoes at one point? Boom. Write that you participate in races (make sure you do #2 because this could easily be confused). Guaranteed Success.

–whorf

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