Rick Santorum Comes Out as Human

512px-Rick_Santorum_official_photo

In a surprise announcement to a private dinner held in Newport Beach, California, former Presidential Candidate and Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum came out as a human being.

Pundits immediately pounced on the news, with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews calling it, “a clear appeal to the influential human voting bloc,” and  The O’Reilly Factor’s Bill O’Reilly describing it as “game changing.”

Not all were as surprised however. Other’s saw the move as predictable after Santorum came out in support of Bruce Jenner as a transgender individual. “Showing this level of empathy and compassion towards another human being — especially someone who is now openly identifying with a population that experiences widespread discrimination — demonstrates a genuine concern on Mr. Santorum’s part,” remarked Dr. Theresa Jackson, a psychiatrist and expert on human behavior at University of California San Diego, “Based on my years of experience and research. Mr. Santorum clearly demonstrates important characteristics of a human being.”

Rich Adams, a self-described social conservative who helped Santorum take Colorado in the 2012 Republican Primary, felt the move helped make the Former Senator more appealing. “Heck, I’d still vote for him!” remarked Adams from his front porch, “he still espouses strong family values, if not more so now that he truly is one of us — a human.”

At time of publication, Santorum had clarified his comments saying that he still did not support a change in policy to protect transgender individuals from discrimination in housing or occupation, prompting America to shrug unsurprisingly and return him to his status as not-human.

— Mark Wilson

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One thought on “Rick Santorum Comes Out as Human

  1. Pingback: The 5 Hard Copy Articles You Probably Haven’t Read and Why We Think That’s the Case | Hard Copy Satire

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