Vegan Not Complete Asshole


Sources from last night’s party reported that local liberal and vegan Matthew Kowalski was, “really not that bad of a guy”. “Honestly, I did not not even know he was a vegan. It just never came up in conversation,” said Dave Richardson as he picked up empty bottles around his house, “he just seemed like a genuinely good and unassuming guy.”

Richardson continued to elaborate on his numerous conversations with Kowalski during the night, mentioning that even in their conversation about climate change did the fact that he avoided all animal products come up.

Not everyone who went to the party however was as convinced was convinced of Kowalski’s veganism. “There is no way. Maybe vegetarian, but vegan — no way” reported party attender Kyle Wong “He didn’t even give me a disdainful look when I bit into my steak burrito.”

Kowalski responded to inquiry by this publication with a short blurb, writing “I just didn’t think it was really relevant to bring up. I enjoyed the party though”.

At time of publication, several other party goers had reportedly decided to “try this vegan thing out for a bit”, feeling that “you could now be a good person and a vegan”.

— Mark Wilson


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