Science Report: New Allergy—Dumpster Food Intolerance


Hundreds of twenty-somethings are bed-ridden in hospitals across Seattle as many have recently discovered that they are intolerant to dumpster food.

Dumpster diving, a thrilling adventure for the young crowd that searches for the discarded chocolates of the Theo Chocolate Factory, cupcakes from Cupcake Royale, juices from Odwalla, and plenty of other businesses has become a favorite pastime for those trying to save a couple bucks.

Though all who participate talk extensively about the ethics of dumpster diving, such as “Take not which touches the walls, only the delicacies within,” this has been proven to be unhelpful as those who later consume these goods are cursed with symptoms associated with E-coli, salmonella, and the once thought fictitious disease, death. Nobody’s quite sure how anyone could become ill with the secure ethics of the food scavenging being so strict. Luckily for those affected, there is a cure: packaged, processed food. Yes, finally, processed food has served some benefit to society and has saved some lives.

“Consuming processed food is usually not advised,” said lead scientist Joan Furlowe, “but it is better than the contamination these people are ingesting.” Despite her urging words, the twenty-somethings consistently refuse to eat the life-saving food and opt for the leftover dumpster delicacies.



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