Sober Kid Almost Ruins Quadstock


Jeff Hanson was kicked out of Quadstock on Saturday for blatant sobriety. The Sophomore from L.A was obnoxiously not intoxicated for much of the concert, and was making an embarrassment of the event. “It’s really quite irresponsible” said an anonymous Quadstock worker. “We put on this event so everyone can get trashed and listen to second tier bands. To come sober is not okay.” Father Sundborg took it one step further saying, “It really just goes against the Catholic Jesuit Identity of the school. Jesus didn’t turn water into juice. He turned it into fucking wine.” The student was escorted off the premises of the event after staff noticed he was clearly not drunk. “He failed to ‘raise the roof’ twice and still had his hands in his pockets after being asked to ‘turn up’ by one of the bands. He was just so obviously sober,“ said Public Safety officer Jeff Holt. “He was just kinda being a little bitch,” Junior Steph Stephenson stated, “I’m glad they kicked him out before he completely ruined the vibe.” Once the loser student was kicked out, the crowd resumed having a good time. “It’s really something security needs to work on for next year.” said head of Public Safety Tim Maron. “We really can’t have sober kids running around this event, making a fool of it and putting themselves at risk. We will definitely have to be more vigilant. Next year, no one gets in below a .08.” At time of press, Hanson had still refused to comment.

-Randy Lahoy


One thought on “Sober Kid Almost Ruins Quadstock

  1. Pingback: School To Spike Water Fountains During Quadstock To Fight Possible Sobriety | Hard Copy Satire

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