Texas Legislature’s Broadening of Abstinence Education Inadvertently Saves Dwindling Duck Population


On Monday, Texas Legislature passed a bill to broaden Abstinence Education from schoolchildren to all animals living in the Lone Star State. This bill invoked the use of over 150 million in taxpayer dollars to hire and train more than 50,000 educators to travel the state and teach the practice of abstinence.

The Texas Mallard (Anas Platyrhynchos) population has been severely declining in recent years. Annual census data has shown a 25% annual decrease in yearly duckling yield over the last three years. The cause of this is unknown; however, local erotologists believe this is likely due to the decline in popularity of the pond dating app, “Swimder”.

Since the addition of Abstinence Education to the mallard population, however, breeding rates have skyrocketed, indicating to experts that the waterfowl population is on a swift road to recovery. When asked about the new policy, one local pond resident hurriedly told us, “Quack,” before returning to a nearby male duck for what is colloquially referred to as “another round.”


*Note: Erotology is the study of sexual love and behavior

Derek Jones


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