Student who used Umbrella Banished from SU

umbrella

SEATTLE – A Seattle University student seen using an umbrella on campus was forcibly removed by an angry mob last week. There were light showers on the day of the incident. The student’s identity is being protected by local law enforcement, but he has since been expelled from the university.

“The first thing I felt was utter shock,” one student responded in an interview, “but that quickly turned to blind hatred and rage. An umbrella? In Seattle? That dude had some serious audacity.” Another student commented, “I didn’t even know they sold umbrellas [in Seattle]. I’m going to be honest- when I first saw him, I threw up in my mouth a little.” While there is no official mention of umbrella use in the Code of Conduct, many consider abstaining from umbrella use to be an unspoken rule.

President Sundborg spoke at a formal press conference just one day after the incident, in which he informed students and members of the media that the student was not only expelled, but formally “‘banished for life”’ from the campus itself. “Seattle University is an institution with integrity, with dignity. Using an umbrella goes against our core values not only as scholars, but also as citizens of the Pacific Northwest. Besides, using an umbrella is just weak. I mean, come on. It was barely raining.”

– Donnie Rhoads

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