SEATTLE, WA—Nathaniel Davis, graduating with Honors in Biochemical Engineering, has reached a new personal goal in his life—successfully doing a load of laundry after four years of making everyone suffer his unbearable stench. “It’s truly my proudest accomplishment,” Davis said as he leaned against the still hot dryer, beaming. “I doubted that I’d ever get here. It just goes to show that if you really put your mind to it and believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. I mean, look at me. I’m the spitting image of success.”
When asked why he had never set out to learn to clean his own clothes prior to his final year of college, Davis became defensive, prattling on about the unbelievable pressure of society, his heavy course load and highly important senior synthesis project, and his stable relationship with his mother, Lisa, who lives in Edmonds.
Although Davis parted the communal laundry room before the interview could be seen to completion—due to a serious blow to his ego—Hard Copy wishes to extend sincere congratulations to Mr. Davis. We hope that when you walk the commencement stage in a clean pair of socks, your mother will be moved to tears. Here’s to a stain-free future.
– Allison Dunn