BREAKING: The Mariners Still Suck


SEATTLE – In a turn of events that should surprise nobody, the Seattle Mariners are still a mediocre team. With a record below .500 and positioned at fourth in the AL Western division, the Mariners are playing in a predictably shitty manner.

Seattle resident Kyle Gordon, a devoted fan of the Mariners, spoke with us in an interview. “I guess we aren’t playing so hot this season, but that isn’t something that drinking can’t fix,” said Gordon, holding a Rainier. “At least tickets are cheap. I can bring the whole family,” he remarked, gesturing to a group of disappointed children wearing Mariners gear.

This news about the Mariners comes during a season considered by many to be “their year”-  a phrase that has been used by blissfully optimistic fans for several years now. In their recent series against the Yankees (which NYY swept), the best physical representation of Seattle sports success was when Richard Sherman threw the opening pitch.

– Donnie Rhoads


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