Dear Lightweights, Losers, Lackeys of Seattle University,
I know it may surprise you that the President of the University is writing into Hard Copy, but implore you to hear my story. Although it is in its delicate, precarious infancy and employs writers as disreputable as the notorious “whorf” and “Owen Goetz,” I’ve become quite fond of this periodical. Their artful, amateur articles always make me holler, hoot and chortle. But as my giggles gallivanted on and on, I began to wonder: Am not I an uproarious fellow with a wicked quick wit and gallons of unspent charm? Need my talents waste away in the cold corridors of Arrupe? The men of this house do not chuckle when told tales of sober Quadstock-goers, nor do they snicker over stories of Bing’s quiet, unending resolve to doom our “good nation.”
Instead, within these walls I am told, “Steve, quit feeding your damn hankering for humor,” or “Steve-daddy why won’t you pipe down and just get to work on all that administrative shit you’re always whining about,” or “Steve, my maaaaaan, when was the last time you sat in the library had a good, solid reading sesh? You’ve been partaking too much in this satire nonsense,” or “STEVEN, IF YOU DON’T GET OFF YOUR DAMN COMPUTER AND EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, THEN YOU CAN’T SPEAK AT COMMENCEMENT” or “Hey Steve!” They understand not what underscores my desire for satire. In truth? I wish to write both for fun, but also for security.
I’ve many tumultuous thoughts twirling through this brain of mine that would jeopardize my reputation as a serious and reputable man about campus. Other leaders may frown upon my views on modern troll ownership. They would dismay at my radical, subversive account of the time when Academia was saturated with true witches and true warlocks, rather than the contemporary impostors that can hardly conjure up a simple Wicking Spell. They would resent my views on Thomas Piketty’s Capital in the Twenty-First Century because I actually think he made some basic, fundamental data analysis errors. Wait, actually I could write about that anywhere—my b. I DIGRESS. This here Hard Copy Satire prudently provides a veil for these insurrectionary ideas. My truest truths will be read as satire! Just genius, I tell you.
With that, I will leave you with a quote from St. Ignatius himself: “Go forth and write a bunch of satire because that shit is super funny thoooooooooooo.”