Groundbreaking New Law Requires Police be Taught Restraint


WASHINGTON D.C. – A bill was passed earlier today that will require new police officers to be trained in exercising and displaying restraint while on the job. The new law is just one part of sweeping reform aimed at improving police departments across the country.

Many departments are under intense scrutiny due to numerous reports of police officers assaulting unarmed individuals. “It’s a risky move, but I think it’ll pay off,” replied John White in an interview. “Part of me wants a gunslinger protecting the streets, for sure. It can be reassuring to know that the police will go to the absolute maximum extent to protect my suburban neighborhood from thugs. But what if a stray bullet hits me or my Audi?” said White, with genuine concern in his voice. ”All things considered, I’m ready to accept their new use of restraint as a necessary part of policing.”

While the law doesn’t prevent profiling or targeting specific neighborhoods, it does require many new procedures. Police will be required to perform a “visual threat assessment” when apprehending a potential criminal, which involves using the sense of sight in a constructive manner. Officers will also be instructed to keep their weapons holstered until a suspect either turns to face an officer or otherwise displays behavior that is considered to be “somewhat spooky.”

– Donnie Rhoads


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