Alphabet Inc. to Reorganize into New, Broader Company: Literally Everything Inc.


MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In an online announcement earlier this week, Alphabet Inc. (new holding company of Google) confirmed yet another planned company restructuring. Google and all other Google-related services will operate under Literally Everything Incorporated.

“Our initial goal in creating Alphabet Inc. was to expand Google’s operations beyond the internet and technology industries,” explained Larry Page, the CEO of Literally Everything. “The alphabet is pretty damn universal, but we quickly realized that our company could do so much more. That’s why we plan to make Literally Everything.”

Literally Everything executives have sent Hard Copy a short list of some upcoming projects:

  • Develop a second search engine, “Gooogle”

  • Terraform Mars

  • Make a Fantastic Four movie (and do it right)

  • Fix Donald Trump’s hair

  • Get Donald Trump to quit his run for the presidency

  • Get Donald Trump to quit being an asshole in general

  • Develop a third search engine, “Gogle”

  • Save the polar bears

  • Kill all mosquitos, ever

  • Make Bernie Sanders young again

  • Create “Jurassic Park” in real life (and do it right)

Donald Trump has yet to say something offensive about Literally Everything’s plans for the future. Perhaps the project has already been completed.

– Donnie Rhoads


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