Redhawk Rage: Enrollment at SU plummets after hoverboard ban

Usually it takes a few weeks for the joy of the Christmas and New Year’s holidays to die down, but for students at Seattle University that joy has died earlier than anticipated. Recently, in an email to the entire student body, the school’s ADMINISTRATION has placed a flat ban on all hoverboards on the school’s campus. We at Hard Copy see ourselves as vigilant watchers of justice and seek to spread awareness for the common good so we have gotten our hands dirty in the vocation of journalism (again) and are now here to bring you the truth. We were able to track down three different bodies: The ADMINISTRATION, Public Safety, and Prospective Students. Below are their responses.

When asked for comment, a spokesperson from the ADMINISTRATION first pointed to the University’s Jesuit Tradition. The Jesuits, are an order of Catholic priests who were founded by St. Ignatius Loyola and approved by the Pope in 1540. St. Ignatius was known for ending his letters to his fellow Jesuits with the phrase “go, set the world on fire” and it was this quote that the ADMINISTRATION used to state their case. “St. Ignatius asked that we ‘go, set the world on fire”, the spokesperson wrote, “but this is not meant literally. These hoverboards pose a serious fire risk to the safety of students and more importantly school property”.

In the weeks leading up to the ban, Father Steve-Daddy Sundborg could be found chasing students through campus shouting “IT’S A METAPHOR!” in an attempt to help students understand what was actually meant by the speech by Father O’Malley S.J at the annual Mass of the Holy Spirit.

Admissions was less tactful in their response, calling students who ride hoverboards “probably the students we are least interested in”. When asked for clarification, Hard Copy only received a slideshow of students riding the “self-balancing boards” with various captions such as “Who would want this?”, “Dear God”, “Look at this loser” and a multitude of others. Due to our journalistic integrity we won’t share the images on such a public and reputable website, but were you to hack our system we can only warn you that these are truly horrifying images that we wouldn’t wish on our gravest foes.

Public Safety has come forward against the ban, commenting in an official statement that “the ban inhibits two-wheel personal vehicle freedoms.” One Public Safety officer was seen throwing away a hoverboard, wiping away tears from his eyes. Another officer was caught outfitting a hoverboard with a vertical steering apparatus in an attempt to disguise the hoverboard as a Segway.

Prospective students are not responding to Admissions at all since the ban. “Students that have committed and just need to turn in paperwork are unreachable,” a concerned Admissions representative states. Some are concerned that the hoverboard ban has turned off prospective students. However, the more likely scenario is that the students have been preoccupied with their houses burning down thanks to their hoverboard.

To try and mitigate the outpouring of concern that this ban has caused, the ADMINISTRATION plans to convene a new committee called the Hoverboard Board made up of administrators, faculty, staff, and students to look at the issue and release a finding in the next decade or two.


UPDATE: Many trash cans have been seen floating off campus due to the numerous number of hoverboards in them. Please return them if you find them around the city.

–Hard Copy Staff


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