Seattle to Launch “Be Nice When You’re in Public” Initiative


Ever notice that when you’re walking in the streets of Seattle, that nobody seems to acknowledge your presence? If you say hello, they think you’ll foreign. And while Seattleites are no Donald Trump, xenophobia is xenophobia. The City Council is finally acknowledging that Seattleites have a friendliness issue.

City Councilman Burk Burpstreit explains, “People come to our city and by the third day are not sure if they exist because they haven’t been acknowledged as a human being yet. Sure, we claim to be a liberal haven and pretend to be morally superior to other parts of the country, but we need to have people start making eye contact and not pretend it didn’t happen after a half-second.”

Local dog-walker Kurt Armageddon agrees, “I spend more time walking past people in Seattle than anyone. And people just look at the pup I’m walking with and smile! Sometimes I used to wonder if maybe the dogs I walk are just naturally more charismatic than me. Maybe I have less personality than the schnauzer I walk on Monday evenings. It’s nice to hear that other human beings also feel like they are not there.”

The city council’s “Be Nice When You’re in Public” Initiative will cost $700 thousand over the course of the next three months. They will fly in folks from around the country who are used to smiling and saying “Good Morning” or “Hello” to the human beings they see in their lives. The city will also bring in people from the South who will teach mandatory hospitality courses for Seattleites. The City Council is hoping that this initiative will start a domino effect and maybe, just maybe, people in Seattle will stop being their own type of asshole.

-Chip Otlecoli


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