SU to Build Campus-Covering Umbrella, but Who Will Hold It?

umbrella

Are you tired of being slammed with rain on your way to class? I’m sure tired of all the sky-water. We’re in luck! Seattle University will soon spend $1.5 million on an umbrella that covers the entire campus. It’s strangely shaped, so it’ll even cover the gym! It was built in response to parents of prospective students who have become increasingly concerned about the Seattle rain. “What if my child is hit with so many drops on his way to class that he can’t go on? What if the drops win? What if that’s the end of my sweet, sweet Pete?” asks Barbara Boxer, mother of Califonia high school student Pete Boxer. So, ya. Thank Yeezus for the giant umbrella. But the real question is who will hold it. If you’ve ever used an umbrella, you know that they need to be held. Here are 3 possibilities:

  1.   Father Stephen (Steve-daddy) Sundborg

Now, I know you’ll say, “Wait, that’s our University President, he needs to do other important stuff.” But his main function is to go around campus telling his same 10 or so stories in his speeches! Instead, he could be the man standing and holding the umbrella in the exact center of campus and Seattle University could relieve him of his other tasks by developing an oral tradition of Father Stephen’s stories. Older students could gather up younger students and share the speeches that they probably have memorized by now because they’ve heard them so many damn times. This could bring our community together!

  1.   Rudy Redhawk

Who cares about this mascot? Nobody! Which makes it the perfect candidate to hold the umbrella. Perhaps we can give Rudy a break when our soccer teams do well, but other than that who cares at all about Rudy Redhawk.

  1.   The Seattle Seahawks

They lost in the playoffs. That’s sad, but at least they can hold the umbrella until next season starts! The funny thing is that football involves a lot of holding. The big men on the line even receive yellow cards for holding one another! The fans hold their breaths if the game is dripping with an exceptional amount of suspense. The men also hold the football. In fact, not holding the football is seen as a bad thing. It is called ‘fumbling.’ Not holding the $1.5 million umbrella would also be a bad thing, so it couldn’t hurt to ask if the Seahawks are available!

-Chip Otlecoli

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