Every four years, voters across the United States are faced with the question of who should be the next Commander-in-Chief. Often this process takes months, with candidates traveling the nation spreading their message to voters, seeking endorsements from various Unions and Corporations, and influential individuals. In the Midwest however, former governors, senators or organizations all pale in comparison to the wisdom and strength of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
Rumored to live somewhere in the vast stretches of corn fields between the states of Nebraska and Iowa, this presidential “kingmaker” demands candidates to bring various sacrifices to the edge of the fields. The candidate who brings the gift which is the most pleasing to He Who Walks Behind the Rows receives his endorsement. This year, sources close to the dark entity reported that He had a difficult time selecting just one candidate.
On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton is rumored to have brought Him the blood of six hundred and sixty-six freshly slaughtered lambs in a clear symbolic rejection of the Christian God. Not to be outdone, Senator Bernie Sanders Campaign declared that Sanders’ would “offer up his first born son as a tribute”. Currently, Sanders has three stepchildren. Lincoln Chafee, the former governor of Rhode Island, was reportedly last seen entering the fields a little north of the small town of Gatlin, Nebraska several months ago. Having not heard from him since, his campaign has ceased operations.
The Republicans have in recent years “had the best offerings He has seen in His glorious centuries long reign” reports Malachi, He Who Walks Behind the Rows’ Chief-of-Staff. Chris Christie’s Campaign disclosed that he brought 3 metric tons of various grains to the mysterious dark lord. Huckabee, who received this much coveted endorsement in 2008, promised all of the “children from around America that I will save from abortion when I am elected president”. Despite these tempting offers, He Who Walks Behind the Rows finally appeared in a dream to all of the members of editorial boards across the USA. In unison, they all had this to say:
“Behold, a dream did come to me in the night, and the lord did show all this to me. In the dream the lord did come to me and he was a shape, it was He Who Walks Behind the Rows, and I did fall on my knees in terror, and hide my eyes, lest the fearfulness of his face strike me dead! And he told me all that has since happened. He said; Ted Cruz shall be the endorsement of this cycle. His immigration policy is just. His tax plan is good. His faith in He Who Walks Behind the Rows, complete. He did not disclose to me what Cruz gave to Him, but never before have I had a dream like this. So Voters, take to these other candidates. Bring He Who Walks Behind the Rows their lives and spill their blood like water upon the earth! But let not the flesh pollute the corn, cast them instead upon the road!”