BREAKING: Cooties Outbreak at Local Elementary School


SEATTLE, WA – Absolute pandemonium has ensued at Bailey Gatzert Elementary School with the recent discovery of a deadly cooties outbreak. Parents are pulling their children from schools and some teachers even refuse to come to work.

The source of the cooties virus has been tracked to Sally Burlington, who is now being called “patient zero” by the media and the Center for Disease Control. Sally Burlington reportedly kissed Brian Kramer on his left cheek during recess. The cooties virus spread from there and is now being called “a full-blown epidemic” and “ebola-like in nature” by leading scientists.

The CDC has quarantined the entire school and is currently researching and testing for possible cures. “We’re doing the best we can… But things are looking grim,” commented Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, Director of the CDC. “Sally Burlington, patient zero, was simply full of cooties. I’d go as far to say that she was downright lousy with cooties.” The principal of Bailey Gatzert has declined to comment on the incident, but sources say a resignation is imminent.

— Donnie Rhoads


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