The discovery that an unqualified teenager was running his own medical clinic has sparked many businesses, public services, and even private industries to reevaluate all staff members to assure that they are in fact the qualified persons everyone thinks they are. It wasn’t until this Wednesday when Tim Leary, the Executive Vice President of Seattle University, noticed that the current president, Father Sundborg, was not a president at all, but an escaped hospice patient.
“When we converted the hospice into a dorm, we thought we cleared all of the patients out. After looking at these bogus documents and touching his polyester collar, I realized that he isn’t who he says he is.” said Tim Leary Thursday morning. The documents he is referring to were actually made in the 90s with the assistance of Microsoft Word’s Paperclip. Hard Copy tried to schedule an interview with the Paperclip to ask the details of their conspiring, but he has been missing since the early 2000s. As for the Father collar, the true collars are made out of ivory as every new priest must travel to Africa and kill an elephant as a blood sacrifice to Rock God Jesus. “He’s obviously a phony and I’m obviously now in charge.” continued Tim whose face began to bubble and dribble over with excitement.
As police escorted Father Sundborg out of the Administration building, Hard Copy asked him one question: why did you do it, Steve-Daddy? Looking up, the rain mist settling on his white, white skin, he smiled poetically and said “I wanted to fuck bitches and get money.”