Seattle, WA- In a brilliant administrative move that will alleviate costs and conserve paper, Seattle U will begin replacing toilet paper with unread copies of The Spectator. The move, which will go into effect next week, was conceived while a school accountant was reading The Spectator as he took his morning poop. “I was just sitting there reading The Spectator and I realized two things. No one reads that piece of garbage, and the toilet paper at this university is about the consistency of sand paper. It just made me sad that the University spends money on both of these low-quality things, and I figured we might as well just cut out one of them. So I pitched the idea to the board and everyone seemed to like it.”
Students have received the news positively. Sophomore Stacy Jengson was especially enthusiastic when asked about the decision. “You know now that I think about it, sitting on the toilet is probably the only time I might read the Spectator, and newsprint really isn’t really any worse than the toilet paper the school was buying.” Father Steve was unaware of what The Spectator was but replied the move was insignificant to him, and assured that “Steve-Daddy brings his own TP. Steve-Daddy don’t fuck with that 2-ply shit.”
While a representative from The Spectator could not be reached, the decision seems to be one of the few times everyone on campus is pleased with a budget cut.
— Juan Albrook