We live in a world full of mystery, and many questions remain unanswered. What is the meaning of life? How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop? Who is whorf? We may not know the answers, but below are our best attempts at answering your burning questions.
Why aren’t eyebrows considered facial hair?
Atticus Buttsworth: A titillating question for an intellectual like me. As we all should know, facial hair was normalized and popularized by Hulk Hogan and his horseshoe mustache. When the WWE was founded, a little-known clause in the rulebook cites that eyebrows aren’t allowed to be used to hurt another wrestler’s feelings. Thus nearly every WWE wrestler has shaved eyebrows- just look at John Cena or Dwayne “The Stone” Johnson, and look closely. No eyebrows. It’s this antiquated wrestling rule that has excluded the eyebrow from the label of “facial hair”.
Mark Wilson: In the early 1900’s the White Cisgender Heterosexual Patriarchy sought new ways to expand their network of oppression and set their sights on eyebrows. Having already re-defined marriage, gender, race, and society to fit their own needs, it seemed to them that logically the next step was the abolition of the eyebrow from the facial hair categorization.
Chip Otlecoli: If you’re so goddamn upset about it, then peel your eyebrows off and put them on your upper lip. Then you’ll see.
Is this like Google?
Mark Wilson: This involved some heavy research for me. First, I needed to define my terms — so I “binged” what this Google you speak of is. While it seemed like an inferior Bing or Ask Jeeves and I cannot see why anyone would utilize its functions, I must say that it does seem to not be like this Google.
Donnie Rhoads: We at Hard Copy are willing and able to define or research literally anything for our fans. Feel free to use us as a Google substitute.
Chip Otlecoli: Of course this is like google! if you wanna do an image search just type “image:” before your query.
Is it lit fam?
Mark Wilson: No.
Chip Otlecoli: lol
Why did Damn Daniel become popular?
Atticus Buttsworth: A flabbergasting question for the uneducated. Long before the creation of the James Bond franchise, Daniel Craig’s distant relatives devised a scheme to enhance their family’s popularity- the Craig family invented the white vans. This is why you always see Daniel Craig wearing white vans in the recent James Bond movies. Unfortunately, Joshua Holz (the creator of the meme Damn Daniel) learned of this plot by the Craig family and attempted to steal Daniel Craig’s spotlight. Evidently, it worked, but only because Damn Daniel was able to springboard off of the insanely successful Bond franchise. Now the white vans and the popularity that comes with them belong to the creators of Damn Daniel.
Last week I got a cocoa puff stuck up my nose. It’s hard to tell if you don’t know it’s there, but it is. I am gluten intolerant. Do I need to see a doctor? Or does anyone have a tiny vacuum? – Gabe Kaemingk
Mark Wilson: Hey Gabe, thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like you are in quite a predicament lil’ man! I’m glad you let us know you are gluten intolerant, because the more information we know the better we can help you in this situation. Unfortunately, a Doctor won’t be able to help you. Only we can. Just follow these steps and you’ll be free in no time Gabe. First, just a tiny vacuum won’t do. Instead, you’ll need pliers, WB-40, a tiny vacuum, and the presence of your entire family. Once you have the materials and everything is gathered around you are ready to begin Gabe! You’ll want to first apply the WD-40 to the inside of both nostrils. Next turn on the vacuum and hold it a few inches from your nose and have several of your family members hold it. Finally, have some use the pliers to remove the cocoa puff — it should slide out easily with the combination of the WD-40 and the suction from the vacuum. Make sure you put the cocoa puff in the compost when done. Finally embrace your family in a large Kaemingk style hug and enjoy the rest of your day cocoa puff free!
Juan Albrook: Trust Mark Wilson, Gabe. He goes through this at least once a week.
Chip Otlecoli: Gabe Kaemingk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a guy, what a question.
Donnie Rhoads: Gabe Kaemingk. Legendary story Gabe. Gabe Kaemingk
To ask questions for next week, use this form: http://goo.gl/forms/BoZibCbKRF