“We’ll even ban cough drops!” –National Institute on Drug Abuse
Finally, after years of watching friends and family fall victim to over the counter medications such as “hemorrhoid cream”, and “asthma inhalers,” the NIDA has a solution: banning all of the drugs to ever exist.
“The idea came to be when I was laying in a bath on Tuesday night and the bubbles were starting to run out.” Says, NIDA President Needmor Feen, “I was just recovering from a seven-day binge from eating the marijuana leaves out of my mother’s basement. And I thought to myself, you know what sucks? Drug dependency sucks.”
Feen goes on to describe how the NIDA brainstormed for weeks, and came up with two obvious solutions.
1) Provide safe drugs such as Methamphetamine and clean needles to the community.
2) Ban all the drugs ever.
The organization decided to go with the latter, however, they wanted it to be absolutely clear to everyone that any potential sickness you may have is all in your head.
“There is just one more thing,” Feen leaned back in the bean bag chair provided in the office at HardCopy, smoking crack out of a toddler shoe, “if you think you need to use substances to ‘cure your headaches’ or ‘bandaids’ think again, not even once kids.”