Hard Copy Advice Column 2

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Tips for charging my laptop?

Chip Otlecoli: Just put it like 40 feet away from you, get your angry eyes on, start sprinting at it, unleash a battle cry, and tackle it once you get close. That’s how you charge a laptop.

Donnie Rhoads: The judicial system is your best bet for this one, but we need to know what you’re trying to charge the laptop with.

Mark Wilson: Are you an organ donor? That’s your problem silly!

Winter Siegel: Perhaps you should try writing an invoice for the charge. It’s likely that you can find sample invoices on the Google. How much does that laptop owe you?

 

Will you give me $5 if I lick my elbow?

Donnie Rhoads: Hard Copy only has $3 in the budget and all of it is currently being used to fund Meme Research.

Vice President Joe Biden: Uncle Joe can cut you some sweet ones if you help me find some sailor’s cabbage.

Needmor Feen: Why are you trying to lick your elbow? Are their drugs on your elbow, son? Did you not read Winter’s article? TWENTY-THREE NINETEEN! WE’VE GOT A TWENTY-THREE NINETEEN!

CEO and President of Hard Copy Industries: Yes. We sell elbows. In bulk. $5 a unit. Unless you are Ted Cruz, in which case it’s the usual $3.50.

 

Should health care really be universal? – Gabe Kaemingk

Donnie Rhoads: Great question, Gabe. Thank’s for coming back and asking the tough questions. Gabe Kaemingk.

Atticus Buttsworth: A scrumptious question for an Advice Chef like me. Universal health care is a very hot topic, but why? The Universe was created 13.82 billion years ago, and universal health care has only been talked about for a miniscule fraction of that time. I think it’s safe to say that universal healthcare is a fad that will pass with time, just like the Cinnamon Challenge or democracy. Besides, the Glorbons of the X-89A system don’t need health care due to their regenerating floopet nodules.

Mark Wilson: Thanks Gabe. Gabe Kaemingk. Wow.

Jebediah: I think the question should really be: Should Universal really be Health Care? Nice try though Gabe! Gabe Kaemingk!

Gabe Kaemingk: This was my question. I hope I get some good responses! My name is Gabe Kaemingk. That’s Gabe with a “G”.

Winter Siegel: This was my question, Gabe Kaemingk. Were you copying my homework again?

 

Marry, Bang, Kill: Corbin Bleu, Lord Farquaad from Shrek, and Vitas. GO!

Donnie Rhoads: Bang Lord Farquaad.

Mark Wilson: I prefer Chicken Cordon Bleu TBH. But definitely kill Lord Farquaad and Marry Vitas.

Chip Otlecoli: I would just kill all of them.

Winter Siegel: Orgy!

 

Hi my name is… let’s say my name is Ben, I am writing to you because I am in DESPERATE need of advice. Last week I went on three dates with different women and told two of them “I love you too.” The thing is, in two weeks I have to break one of these girls hearts on national television, what should I do? I’m thinking I should either flip a coin, cut my losses and live in the wilderness or post a twitter poll. Please help. Will you accept this rose Hard Copy? Sincerely, Anonymous

Presidential Candidate Donald Drumpf: Ben, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t worry. We’ve got your back on this one Ben. Let me tell you — when we help you out. And believe me, we are going to help him out — Ben that is. It’s going to be good. It’s going to be great. I am rich. I am successful — and I am use to making great things. Let’s make America great again. But don’t get me wrong — we are going to help you Ben and what we do will be great. You have my word on that.

Chip Otlecoli: This sounds like the perfect time for you to give up on monogamy.

Mark Wilson: Consider this Rose accepted. We love you Anonymous and we can’t hold it in anymore.

Tom Shane, CEO of The Shane Company: I’m Tom Shane and I’ve spent years developing close relationships with direct diamond importers from all around the world. Ben, you’ve come to the right place. In fact, when you come to Shane Company you know you are reaching the best in the Diamond Business. We help you find the best value and most beautiful diamond for your money. The Shane Company. Open weekdays until 8, Saturday and Sunday’s until 5. Online at Shane Co dot com. Now you’ve got a friend in the Diamond business!

Chief Nail Women, CEO of eHarmony: I would advise supplying each of them with a brief questionnaire. I recommend approximately 400 questions and very vague response options. Who has a bigger heart, Ben? If you can’t tell, I read somewhere that the size of the heart and cup size have a positive correlation.

 

What is a superdelegate?

Chip Otlecoli: Every single superdelegate is another Koch brother.

Mark Wilson: Me.

Jebediah: Have you seen Ant-Man? Yea. He’s not one.

Hillary Clinton: Oh My God. Bernie, you can’t just ask someone why they are super.

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how does the Hard Copy team feel about the fact that McDonald’s now serves breakfast all day? 1 is horribly defeated, 10 is elated.

Mark Wilson: How dare you. HOW DARE YOU! Go to hell. Go to hell. Some people’s nerve I tell you.

Chip Otlecoli:10.

Winter Siegel: I ate 10 hashbrowns on acid last night, so… pretty good. 10 it is.

 

Eleven?

Mark Wilson: I agree! The Homosexual agenda is too extensive.

Chip Otlecoli: Woah, did this question just answer the previous one? WTF is happening on this thing right now.

Donnie Rhoads: Odd and prime.

Winter Siegel: The athletic apparel line designed by Venus Williams for the fashion-forward athletic woman. Yes, it’s real.

 

Best trap remix?

Jebediah: Absolutely this one. Just wait for the beat to drop. Amazing. https://news.yahoo.com/video/secret-trap-door-hiding-guns-203055910.html?format=embed

Drunk Biologist #84: This. 

 

What are memes?

Mark Wilson: When the 13th amendment to the United States Constitution was passed outlawing slavery, white abolitionists gave each other high fives and pat themselves on the back. Sociologists today call this phenomena “memography”. “Memes” are just specific examples of this. For example: White friend #1: Republicans freed the slaves. White friend #2: High five! Go Republicans! Black friend: Seriously? White people and their “memes”!

Winter Siegel: Mr. Cruz. Hard Copy knows that you already found the answer to this question on the Google. Donnie covered it last week. Stop.

Chip Otlecoli: Ya idk either. I’m pretty sure it’s not what Mark said. Lmk if you find out though. The kids are keeping a pretty tight lock on newfangled information these days.

Don’t forget to submit some questions for next week! http://goo.gl/forms/QBCc0p3VvT 

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