A Seattle University student in the midst of their sophomore year went to get sushi in what seemed like just a few days ago. “I remember that I really just wanted a California Roll or something.” Morgan Lu recalls, “But minutes must’ve turned to hours and hours to days and days to months and months to God knows what. I was just on my phone.”
Upon receiving sushi and some poke rolls, the student returned to Bellarmine Hall to find James Hernandez had moved into their dorm room– Bell 608. “I’m really loving my Freshman year! The friends I have are alright, but I get the feeling I’ll have a completely different set of friends in a while,” Henandez said, oblivious to Morgan’s plight. “Oh Morgan? Ya, that’s wild. It makes me want to get some sushi though.”
At the time of writing this article, at least 15 other students are currently waiting approximately two years for sushi. When I asked one what they were ordering, one student said, “I’ll only fucking talk to you if you’re with the Spectator.” I realized that it was not the voice of a student at all, but that of Father Steve-daddy Sundborg. He was wearing a trench coat and hat and sneakily cutting in line while another Jesuit played spy music on a boombox in the background.
Lu managed to graduate as the Registrar has a policy of allowing people waiting in line for sushi to pass all of the classes they need to graduate while they wait. When asked why, the Registrar emerged from a fiery cave and said “Why the fuck not?? Fuck off.” At this the beautiful demon disappeared.
— Chip Otlecoli