Administration to Discuss “Hair-ilibrium” at next Cabinet Meeting

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Seattle University — Citing the paramount importance of the nature of hair, the President’s Cabinet agreed to set aside an entire meeting to discuss it. “Frankly I’m shocked this hasn’t come up yet” said Father Sundborg the President of Seattle University, “We’ve put off this subject too long and we mustn’t dilly dally any longer.”

Preceding the meeting, all Cabinet members were to receive a memo with a comprehensive summary of all works on the subject of the nature of hair. “The nature of hair is truly finite. And hair-ilibrium is the “sweet spot” between too much or too little hair in the world” noted outgoing Provost and published hair-expert Isiaah Crawford.

“You see, when one student grows their hair into a man-bun — for example — another student must get a buzz cut. It’s just that simple” added Executive Vice President Tim Leary, “If we want to reach perfect hair-ilibrium we must encourage all hair lengths”.

Many Cabinet members are excited about the prospect of an entire meeting dedicated to the subject. “We really talk about the budget too much, and talk about how much hair is at our school way too little” said Chief Financial Officer Connie Kanter in an email to Hard Copy.

Student opinion on the subject is currently unknown, but it is expected that Student Government will release a statement soon. Especially provided the strong stance made on the subject by current President Mallory Barnes-Ohlson and Executive Vice President Palmyra Jackson.

— Jebediah

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