Hard Copy Advice Column 3

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Can we build a wall through the Quad? #makeSUgreatagain

Mark Wilson — How tall will the wall be?

Donnie “Donald Trump” Rhoads: You want my answer? Can we build the wall- let me tell you, I know walls. I love a good wall. No really, I love a good wall. Look, we know what walls are. We know what they do, we’ve had eight years of some of the worst walls you’ll ever see. Oh my god, let me tell you, those walls are terrible. We can’t have it. And the President, by the way- the President doesn’t care about walls, you know he doesn’t. He really doesn’t. They aren’t going to tell you that. He doesn’t like the walls. But we’re going to make SU great again, we’re gonna do it. And we’ll make the Administration pay for it, you know they have the money- they have the money, oh my gosh they have so much money. Hillary Clinton has plenty of money but she doesn’t care, she just doesn’t care. It’s really sad, I get sad just thinking about it. She doesn’t know about walls, let me tell you. Thank you, god bless you.

Juan Albrook – The Squirrels of SU have your support

 

Dear Hard Copy, last night I had a really strange dream. I don’t know what to make of it or what it means. It went a little something like this:

“I hopped off the plane at L.A.X. with a dream and my cardigan, Welcome to the land of fame, excess, whoa! am I gonna fit in? Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time, Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign, This is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous! My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick, Too much pressure and I’m nervous. That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio, And the Jay-Z song was on, And the Jay-Z song was on, And the Jay-Z song was on! So I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song, The butterflies fly away, I’m noddin’ my head like Yeah! Movin’ my hips like Yeah! Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song, And now I’m gonna be okay, Yeah! It’s a party in the USA! Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!”

Sincerely, The “Old” Miley Cyrus

Billy Ray Cyrus — Don’t tell my heart. My achy breaky heart. I just don’t think he’d understand.

The “New-New” Miley Cyrus: Miley, it’s me. It’s you, from the future. Listen- you need to leave the country. You need to get away from everyone. Bad things will happen if you don’t change your course right now. The very balance of humanity is at stake. Get a plane ticket to Fresno and go to the address I just texted you. Brian will meet you there and give you a new identity. Further instructions will follow.

 

How many people work at Hard Copy Satire and how many children do they have in total?

Mark Wilson — We have yet to produce a communal child. I just can’t conceive ;(

Donnie Rhoads: All the Hard Copy readers are my children. Now go to your room.

Juan Albrook- How do I make a child? Asking for a friend.

 

Where am I? Am I on the Grid?

Donnie Rhoads:

 hacking

Jebediah — Shhhh! Don’t let The Abstracted One hear you!

 

I copied the comment and pasted it into ten other comment threads, just like it said to do, but my crush still hasn’t asked me out. 😦

Atticus Buttsworth: An infantile inquiry from an undoubtedly immature mind. You have been duped, my friend. Scammed. Bamboozled. Befuddled. Hoodwinked. Utterly swindled and screwed. Those foul claims that one can procure a life partner by forwarding an image or pasting some text on comment threads are false. They only mean to mislead you. The TRUE way to find your mate is to copy and paste the comment to ELEVEN threads, but the thread names must be in reverse alphabetical order. Try not to be so ignorant next time.

 

I listen to music too loud on a regular basis. What did you say?

Mark Wilson — What? Sorry I can’t hear you.

Juan Albrook –

 

What can I do with my leftover AAA batteries?

Mark Wilson — I’m glad you asked. In fact please mail them to 901 12th Avenue Seattle WA 98122. Father Sundborg and Provost Crawford keep asking us for more AAA batteries and these will go a long way to helping them out!

The Energizer Bunny: H-hey, do you think you could spare a few of those? I n-need a fix real bad… P-p-please…

 

Why is the sky blue

Donnie Rhoads: Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?

Atticus Buttsworth: A crunchy, nutty question for a knowledge connoisseur like me. The sky is the end of the world above us, as we all know. That’s why they say “the sky’s the limit”. But if there really is a giant ceiling looming above us all the time, then where does all the rain come from? Well, the sky is blue because there is water up there. Yes, and when it rains, the water leaks through the sky and into our retention ponds (retention ponds are the source for 99% of our drinkable water). And when you see stars at night, those are really just the holes where the water leaked through! Fascinating, really.

 

Bees? – Gabe Kaemingk

Donnie Rhoads: WOW, another ringer from the LEGEND Gabe Kaemingk! Thanks for the question Geab.

Jebediah — Aren’t you just a curious lil’ critter Gabe. So many questions. But Yes is my answer.

Juan Albrook – We’ve all played Cards Against Humanity at this point, GABE.

 

How do you feel about hugs and/or hugging?

Mark Wilson — You know I can’t conceive! Damn you!

Donnie Rhoads: Are you serious? That’s disgusting. Oh, I don’t know, how do you feel about murder? Go to hell.

Juan Albrook- Is that how you make a child?

Don’t forget to submit some questions for next week! http://goo.gl/forms/QBCc0p3VvT 

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