Russell Wilson Can Finally Have Sex with Ciara and Subsequently Win the next Super Bowl


REJOICE! Russell Wilson is finally getting laid! After tireless months of getting pounded (by defenders) with no protection (offensive line), Wilson can claim some sweet, sweet love of his own.

Sports pundits are already predicting a Seahawks win for Super Bowl 51, and most likely by a margin of 30+ points. Russell Wilson will go on a sex-fueled campaign of destruction and thrust the Seahawks to another title. Pete Carroll reportedly popped a bottle of champagne when he heard the news of Wilson’s engagement. “Here we go, baby. It’s dynasty time.”

While Wilson and Ciara are technically just engaged, Hard Copy predicts a wedding date before the start of the preseason in August. Once Russell Wilson finally receives permission from God to have sex, we’re going to see Wilson in his final form.

— Donnie Rhoads


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