Student on Eight Hits of Acid Saves SU From Cyborg Dinosaur Attack

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REESE DAWSON’S HALLUCINATIONS – Close call at Seattle University! Cyborg dinosaurs nearly overwhelmed the campus and stole the energy crystals, but student hero Reese Dawson fought them off with his chainsaw arms! Sources report that Reese’s arms are now back to normal.

When asked for a comment, Reese replied, “I knew what I had to do. I knew they were from the future, and I knew they needed the energy crystals. Thank goodness Father Steve keeps them under his mattress! But I had to activate my power arms and luckily they became chainsaws and not something weaker like laundry baskets.” Following our brief interview, Reese proceeded to remove all his clothes and stare at his belly button. When asked for an explanation, Reese said, “If you look away it’ll stop yodeling.”

Father Stephen Sundborg will present Reese Dawson with an official Medal of Kingdoms next week. For saving the entire school, Reese will also be given an extra $100 in meal plan money. Unfortunately, The Cave has been out of his favorite snack for weeks.

— Donnie Rhoads

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