3 Flowers on SU Campus That Can Be Used to Poison

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Have you not realized you go to a school that has poisonous flowers? In 1990, Father “Steve-daddy” Sundborg realized that there wasn’t enough intrigue on campus, so he personally planted these flowers:

 

lily

Name: Derkfus Lilly

This flower can be found on top of Admin. “I like this flower because it causes you to start to grow little tiny horns before it takes you out. Little teeny horns! So you’re all like ‘Doctah, what are these horns?’ and next thing you know, you are begging me for the antidote as you feel death encroaching in the doctah’s parking lot!” notes “Steve-daddy”

 

flowers2

Name: Ringus Booflower

The flower can be found behind the sushi counter. This flower causes you to feel like you’re finally in control of your life. You start exercising, you eat right, you’re not watching netflix as much, you’re calling your family more, and you’ve finally met someone who accepts you as you. Then you begin to feel life slip away suddenly. “OMG this poisonous flower is so damn funny,” chortles Provost Crawford.

 

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Name: Bubbleload Smoofungus

This flower can be found underneath the reflection pool’s false bottom. This flower doesn’t necessarily kill you, but it does force you to adopt the personality of the person you hate most. Someone used this on Father Steve-daddy last year and he started acting like Jerry Seinfeld. Here’s one soundbite from steve during this time: “What’s the deal with man’s best friend? Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

-Chip Otlecoli

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