As Other Candidates Strive to be More Extreme, John Kasich Aims to be More Milquetoast

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Will you click on this article? Probably not, because it’s about John Kasich and nobody wants to think about something that boring. But this is exactly what John Kasich wants. While other candidates talk about how many people of color they plan on hurting or deporting, Kasich strives to incorporate so many boring words into his platform that you hardly notice him having a platform. “I want my candidacy to feel like cardboard. But fresh, new cardboard. Something that could really hold your belongings. But also something that inspires no one at all” hopes Kasich. “I might not be anything, but at least I’m not the Zodiac Killer.” His hope is that voters will be able to hold back the vomit they feel coming on when they see Donald Trump and Ted Cruz’s names on the ballot long enough to check Kasich, a name that seems both boringly familiar and undeniably forgettable.

-Chip Otlecoli

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