COMMUNISTS-R-US, TX—Sources confirmed yesterday afternoon that the small bird that landed on Bernie Sanders’ podium in Portland last Friday was, in fact, a spy for the Russian government. Apparently Sanders said, “That bird is really a dove asking us for world peace. No more wars.” The crowd of young voters was unaware at the time that the bird was carrying a wire for the Russian government. Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, downed another vodka shot and passed the bottle to Hardcopy staff as he admitted that he did send the bird to spy on suspected communist/socialist/somethingorother Bernie Sanders. The bird, a house finch, has refused to make a statement at the advice of her lawyer.