My name is George Paige and I am writing today to take a stand. For far too long I’ve been afraid to poop during class. When my stomach used to grumble, I would rush to the bathroom and poop as fast as I could to stay below the universal 5min mark (the number 1 zone as some say). But no, I’m sick of it. No longer will I dread my morning poop. I will finish my coffee and march out of that classroom proudly. I will sit on that porcelain throne and take my time, and when I am good and ready I will return to the classroom. I’ll have been gone so long, everyone will look at me and think “Ew, George was taking a poop.” But I won’t fret. I will swing open that door and look at my teacher dead in the eye and wink. Because I will be oppressed no longer. And when a fellow student takes a lengthy absence from class, I will not judge them but applaud them, for they were only pooping. It is nothing to be ashamed of. And I urge all students of SU to join me in this revolution. Because everybody poops, goddamnit. Everybody poops.
(Transcribed by Juan Albrook)