Outbreak of STD’s Has Sanders Supporters Feeling The Bern

bernie rally

An outbreak of a variety of STD’s has been sweeping the nation in a pattern very similar to Bernie Sanders’ campaign path. “It seems that the large gathering of Sanders supporters in cities across the country has led to an increase in STD’s,” stated Jeff Trillium of the CDC. “The percent of Sanders supporters with an STD is rising alarmingly rapidly. Quite frankly it doesn’t seem like they are using protection at all.” While Sanders and his supporters are staunch defenders of birth control and contraceptive methods, it seems like their undying faith in a revolution doesn’t stop at politics. “Sanders is going to win the election and erase my college debt because we believe in him, just like I believed the guy I slept with last week when he told me he was STD free!” Commented Stacie Stalworth. “I really just believed in myself, believed in my body, and believed that I was STD free. And I think that makes all the difference.” Said Sanders supporter Ron Corlist. Whether or not the STD epidemic will continue is unclear. But there is no doubt that Sanders supporters passionately believe him and their lovers.

-Juan Albrook

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