Have you ever noticed a lack of hot water working in the morning? If you’re like me, you have enjoyed a few cold showers as part of Seattle University Housing new study that aims to “see what types of shitty housing we can provide without losing our jobs.” The study’s formal name is Investigation Noting Conditions or Major Procedures Effect on Tenants’ Exhaustion, Nervousness, and Tenure or INCOMPETENT for short.
“Earlier in the year we gave a bunch of tenants bedbugs and claimed that it wasn’t our fault at all” Housing Director Hank Idgaf stated. “They all bought it! It was super funny. Kids itching left and right; we made them find their own housing while we told them that they couldn’t stay at their house. Even then our job security seemed fine!” They have begun varying the water temperatures throughout the Murphy Apartments to see if that can get enough complaints to justify their firing. Future plans for the study include removing beds from students’ rooms for ‘ergonomic reasons’ and making the WIFI twice as terrible.
“SU Housing has the administration’s full support in their endeavor,” Provost Isiaah Crawford said. “Their experiment closely mirrors our experiment to see how long students will keep enrolling in a school that ignores demands for divestment and teachers’ rights before they transfer. These studies are important because they let us know how much we can fuck up. That’s vital information.”