SEATTLE UNIVERSITY – A public safety officer is facing discipline this week for attempting to install a nitrous turbo booster on his segway. The attempted modification would allow the officer to travel from Xavier Residence Hall to the Student Center in 5 seconds or less.
Public Safety supervisor Hubert Pubert commented on the incident, “Listen, we want our officers to have the best equipment. This just crossed the line. I don’t even have turbo, and I’ve worked here for three years.” Upon an inspection by Hard Copy, Pubert’s very own segway was found to have flame stickers and a custom horn.
UPDATE: Hard Copy reviewed the SU Public Safety bylaws and determined that stickers and custom horns are legal. You’re off the hook, Hubert Pubert.
— Donnie Rhoads