This Convincing Jon Snow Theory Involves Three Bathtubs, a Horserace, and a Handful of Gigolos

kit

Castle Black, The Wall, The North, Westeros– New information today, provided by Kit Harrington seems to suggest that Jon Snow will be back this season and more alive than ever. “Have you ever had a bath? It’s invigorating. Two baths? Can make even a terrible day a neutral day that you’ll forget about in a week. The real magic is three. I’m not sure why. But it makes you feel like a magician on PCP. Perhaps it is the Trinitarian nature of it,” Harrington claimed.

According to Harrington, the Red Woman will summon three bathtubs to his corpse. “It’s actually what saved my first marriage,” recalls Carice van Houten who portrays Lady Melisandre. Apparently the only problem with the triple bathtub solution is that it’s very difficult to put a dead body in three bathtubs at once. The solution? Dragons of course. If you turn the bathtubs on their sides and the dragons spin them fast enough and put Jon Snow in the middle, the centrifugal force will keep him submerged in the most refreshing bathing experience of his life. So refreshing that it brings him back to life.

But how the hell do you get three dragons spinning three bathtubs that quickly? Conveniently, there is a Westerosi tradition of spinning three bathtubs prior to a horse race. “Yeah it’s something I always thought would make a horse race less pretentious so I wrote it into my world. It was actually sort of stupid because I realized as soon as I killed of Jon Snow that everyone would want to put him in the spinning bathtubs to revive him. It’s such a no brainer solution to death,” George R.R. Martin noted.

What’s the reason for the horserace? The Westerosi gigolo all-star team is selected once a decade. The top male prostitutes are voted upon across Westeros and they come together in one lucky town. In order to prove they are good ‘riders’ they show their horse riding abilities. This decade that town just happened to be Castle Black. Khaleesi was naturally intrigued as she thought the male gigolos could be the key to conquering Highgarden, since Grandma Tyrell is known to love a masterful lay.

Sorry to spoil it! But Jon Snow is back.

–Chip Otlecoli

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