WEBSTER, NY — Declaring that “sloppy penmanship shall forever be a thing of the past,” Ms. Noreen Elrdige of the International Penmanship Association announced that the organization had embarked on a new initiative: #BlackLinesMatter.
“For too long my pupils have forgotten to dot their i’s and cross their t’s” said Ms. Bertha O’Harris, a second grade teacher in upstate New York. “We won’t stand by idly anymore as this plague threatens our nation’s handwriting!”
Several recent studies seem to suggest that the Penmanship Association’s findings may be accurate. Researchers from the Webster Institute — a Penmanship think-tank — found that as children get older, penmanship declines. The findings were most striking for doctors when writing prescriptions and for baristas when writing names on to-go coffee cups.
While the Penmanship Association does not have a social media presence, they are expected to march down the streets of New York City in the coming weeks in a protest against poor penmanship.
UPDATE: In unrelated news, the New York City Police Department has been lining up officers in riot gear and soliciting tanks and armoured vehicles from the Department of Homeland Security.
— Mark Wilson