Student Loans a Privilege for Seattle University Students

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SEATTLE, WA—Advertising its expansive range of financially ruinous academic programs and certifications that can’t be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling, officials at Seattle University announced Monday that the University is committed to providing students with the opportunity to amass a crippling debt at their own individual pace.

“Even if you work full-time, have an internship, are in several clubs, and went to the [insert social justice issue] protest this morning, Seattle University’s mission of educating the whole person to professional formation makes it easy to take out just enough student loans to completely devastate your personal finances for years to come,” said Father Steve-Daddy Sundborg, describing how the college accommodates to student’s needs through payment plans so that students may rack up their overwhelming debt a few thousand dollars at a time. Of course, there is always the option of full payment open for those would rather just plunge $200,000 into the red in four short years.

“At Seattle University, you can take as long as you need to acquire your impossible-to-shoulder burden, it’s easier than ever to slip into complete destitution while feeling like you’re doing something.” Steve-Daddy went on to state that regardless of the rate at which students accumulate debt, the sooner they enroll, the sooner they can begin defaulting on their loans and having their wages garnished by the government.

–Fran Tick

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