Dean Kelly Will Totally Be Able to Lead Matteo Ricci Now That She’s Lost the Support of Many Students and Faculty


SATIRE, WA– Judy Kelly has stated that she refuses to resign as dean of Matteo Ricci college. However, contrary to popular belief, she will totally be able to competently lead a college constituted of many who are either opposed to her leadership or have personally been hurt by her. “Think about all the assholes who had popular support. Like Hitler in Germany. Who needs popular support?” Judy notes.

“Honestly, at the end of the day, I’m going to be able to competently do my job as dean despite being historically incompetent, losing a lot of student support, and losing the respect of many fellow administrators,” said Kelly. When asked why she believes this, Kelly’s zealous eyes fixed on the sky in the distance and she said, “I’ve fallen in love, I’ve stayed in love, and it’s made all the difference.” When asked what that had to do with the question, Judy told me that asking questions is “for the classroom” and that “sometimes mommy knows best ;)”

While it may be difficult to believe that someone who many consider a racist can be the leader of an anti-racist makeover of a college, sometimes you just never know. While it seems oxymoronic to have a leader devoid of followers, sometimes you just don’t know. “Sometimes, when you get in hot water for not listening to students of color, you just need to not listen to the [people of color] saying that you need to resign and hope that the water doesn’t boil,” Judy laughed racistly.

-Chip Otlecoli


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