Friends and Friends of Friends to Change Name to “Friends and Friends of Friends and Jake” because Jake has no Friends

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Central District — Seattle University’s most inclusive organization just became more inclusive. At every single house concert thrown by the group, whether in a living room or in a dingy rugby basement, Jake has shown up without anyone inviting him. No one knows how Jake found out about the events, but he has always managed to find his way through the door. Groups of friends will be talking and laughing in a circle, and they always try to include Jake, but whenever he gets the chance to speak, all he seems to talk about is the pyramid scheme he’s wrapped up in, involving a health drink infused with olives for additional protein.

No one has ever claimed to be Jake’s friend, nor has anyone claimed to know a friend of Jake’s, so in order to adjust to the predicament, Friends and Friends of Friends Executive Staff discussed a change of title at their annual conference in Copenhagen. Behind closed doors, they grappled the pros and cons of allowing Jake to feel welcome, and in the end they signed the doctrine into action. “From here on out,” claimed the president, “We shall be known as Friends and Friends of Friends… and Jake.”

-Percy bon Boodletweefar

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