Rudy Giuliani Voted Sexiest Republican Alive

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Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — To Paul Ryan’s astonishment, his dumbbell and bench-press photoshoot did not pay off in the long run. He was voted the third sexiest Republican, right behind Arnold Schwarzenegger and of course, former mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani was not even in the running until his high-energy speech at the Republican National Convention, where his powerhouse speaking style took conservative hearts captive. Said one voter, “The way he moved his body on stage… he was just a stallion up there.” Said another, “I’d let him give me tax breaks all day.” Paul Ryan has not yet commented, but we imagine he’s currently shame-eating Häagen-Dazs while watching The Biggest Loser reruns.

-Gunk

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