Veganism Hasn’t Decreased Friend’s Dickishness

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Fremont, Seattle — Sources close to local asshole and college student Aidan Smith reported that after becoming a vegan, Smith is “just about as much of a dick as before.”

“Yea at first when he told us he was going vegan, we were really worried that Aidan would become even more of a dick,” a classmate of Smith said in an interview, “but that really hasn’t happened.”

Smith reportedly became a vegan after “seeing and experiencing the suffering of animals” in a documentary he found online. He claims he now wants to help “all the other ignorant people open their eyes to the unethical exploitation of animals.” Though friends and housemates have reported this is “just about as bad” as the time Smith ordered the most expensive drink last week at dinner, “knowing full well that we were splitting the check evenly.” Or that other time when he cussed out the barista for not making drip coffee to his standards.

As Hard Copy went to print, Smith had requested that his housemates get a separate refrigerator, so that their “animal and earth killer” products wouldn’t contaminate his tofu or kale. Sources from the house were beginning to believe he had actually gotten worse.
–Mark Wilson

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