D. Trump Actually Barty Crouch Jr., Real Trump Locked in Box Since 1974

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In a very strange twist of events, it was revealed at last Tuesday’s press conference that Donald Trump is actually Dark Lord supporter Barty Crouch Jr: former Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and son of Head of Magical Law Enforcement Department Barty Crouch Sr. This was revealed when he apparently ran out of a potion that turned his skin orange, his hair yellow and thin, and had him gain 127 pounds. Crouch Jr. was elaborating on his plan to separate all muggles from non-muggles with a big wall, when Elizabeth Warren noticed that something was wrong, and demanded that the box “Trump” kept at the top of Trump Tower be opened. Her demand was acted upon, and inside the box lay the real Donald Trump, who remarked:

“I am so so sorry! I’m not really the racist pig that the imposter has been pretending to be! I am so sorry, Rosie O’Donnell! I’m sorry Hillary! I’m sorry, all women and people of color! I’m sorry, America! I think you’re already great!”

Crouch Jr. is to be sent to Azkaban without trial, a life sentence, and no chance of bail.

Dirk Nowitzki

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