After floating some 32 miles into the air on Sunday afternoon, panicked local party balloon Red spat rushed prayers to a God that could not hear him:
“Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” the helium-and-vertigo filled piece of colored, stretchy plastic said aloud, as his insides continued to carry him upward into space.
“It’s not fair, man. It’s just not fair. Why do you give balloons to children?! How can they be responsible for a life that isn’t their own?!”
Red’s ordeal began after 8-year-old Sammy Washington dropped his cone of strawberry ice cream at his birthday party, prompting the release of Red’s lifeline. “It landed ice cream down! He couldn’t even eat it! What did I die for? For a child to end my life on a whim?! I didn’t ask to be born!” Red screamed at the void, his rubbery exterior expanding as the air pressure inside him slowly became greater than the air pressure around him. “I only exist to die! I am an abomination!”
Red spent his final minutes in pain about the pointlessness of his existence, followed by pleading, bargaining, and five straight minutes of yelling before a sound “pop.”