Dead Amazon Workers Gentrify Heaven


Due to its systemic and capitalistic nature, the Promised Land’s demographic is becoming less and less diverse. The proximate cause of this phenomenon is that Amazon employees from Seattle keep dying. They weren’t aware of how detrimental their need to live in a hip part of town was to the previously established communities, so they are granted permission into The Kingdom of God.

However, with their arrival and ability to pay higher rent, Heaven Landlord St. Peter of Jerusalem raised the monthly fee by two hundred dollars, and incorporated a first-and-check deal into the original lease. At this point, Heaven is about 85% dead Amazon Employees, at the rest come from Microsoft, Boeing, and students from affluent families.

-Chips Van Freewheeler


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