Washington D.C — In a surprise announcement President Donald Trump unveiled a new Executive Order requiring the immediate removal of all non-indigenous people off of indigenous lands. But before civil-rights activists could take to the street in celebration, Trump uncovered a second part of the order: his plans to forcibly recapture the territory.
“First, we are going to give them back all the land. Every acre of it”, President Trump stated, “I like strong presidents. The weak ones? Can’t stand them — I mean who can? Such a shame how weak some of our presidents have been. Terrible shame. But we are done with weak presidents now. I swear to you. We are going to take all that land back and make America great again”.
Though hazy on the implementation, funding, and ethical aspects of this plan, Trump did cite much of his influence came from the “fantastic” Andrew Jackson. Representatives from several indigenous tribes, when reached for comment, replied that none of this shit was new with the white man.
— Mark Wilson